Ask Phil - 004

Dear Phil:
I am 17 (almost 18!) and am in my first real relationship. I think I love him, and I'm pretty sure he loves me. But sometimes I feel confused. We've talked about having sex, but we haven't yet - I want to be sure that we're in love. How can I tell?

signed,
boringaroundtherosies


boringaroundtherosies,

You've come to the right place, I know a thing or ten about love. And here are the ten!

1. Love does not hurt. Physical and/or emotional abuse are not a part of love. Arm wrestling is a big part of any relationship - but you shouldn't get punched more than once when you lose. And the rule is: 1 punch = 2 slaps. That rule is widely accepted in a court of law, as it was written on a rock that moses found - right after he took an engraving class at Egypt Community College.
2. Love is not manipulative, it should not be used to get others to do what you want. You should never give in to demands based on the, "You would do it if you loved me!" tactic. Sex is pretty much the only exception to this rule. As it is widely known that your partner will enjoy everything you want to do, they just don't know it yet. A good alternative to "You would do it if you loved me!" is "Just let it happen baby."
   
3. Love is an intense feeling of caring for another person. It can take many different forms (romantic, friendly, familial) but it is always about caring. As an aside, it is important to say that even a man can love. A man can love a car, money, and/or a Japanese woman.
   
4. Although it is true that a big part of love is putting another person's happiness ahead of your own this never includes compromising your values, being untrue to yourself, or having to put your boxes of comic books in your closet because someone is tired of looking at them.
   
5. If somebody asks you to do something that you don't want to do in order to "prove" your love they do not love you the way you might think they do. When you love another person you don't ask them to sacrifice a part of themselves in the name of that love - only Jesus can demand that of you. Apparently he pretty much has free reign to do whatever he wants. You turn one fucking jug of water into wine and all of a sudden you're Miley Cyrus. I don't want to point out the obvious, but even a common prisoner can turn water into wine (see: http://www.wikihow.com/Brew-Cheap-Wine).
   
6. It is very easy to confuse lust for love, as they sound very similar. "The true measure of romantic love is commitment and trust not physical attraction" - is what ugly people say.
7. It is possible to feel romantic love for more than one person at a given time. Just think, if it is possible for you to love both of your parents at the same time why would it be impossible to feel romantic love for two people at once? However, it does make you a slut. Don't beat yourself up emotionally if you find yourself in this unhappy situation. But be sure to remain single and be open and honest with all parties about your feelings and confusion. It is also a good idea to put a bunch of trashy pictures of yourself on Myspace and Facebook - and then post the link in the comments section of this lovely blog.
   
8. Sex is NOT love. Love is NOT sex. Sex can be a part of romantic love but it is never mandatory. In fact, sex is almost always better when you do not love the person you are having sex with. Sex, like movies and rock music, is almost always ruined by emotion.
9. Romantic love can (and often does) fade. When it goes there is not always a reason. When somebody falls out of love with you it does not reflect upon your value as a person or your desirability - unless of course it does. How many times does someone have to ask you to dress up like Rei from Evangelion (see: Rei from Evangelion) before you do it? Ask yourself that next time you're alone and listening to sad-ass Jeff Buckley.
   
10. Love should make you feel happy, secure and appreciated - but exactly like the one ring - will lead you to Mordor. And the next thing you know your chubby friend is going to start thinking she's better than you - and she'll probably eat all of your elven bread.

I hope that answers your question!

Phil.