Ask Phil - 004

Dear Phil:
I am 17 (almost 18!) and am in my first real relationship. I think I love him, and I'm pretty sure he loves me. But sometimes I feel confused. We've talked about having sex, but we haven't yet - I want to be sure that we're in love. How can I tell?

signed,
boringaroundtherosies


boringaroundtherosies,

You've come to the right place, I know a thing or ten about love. And here are the ten!

1. Love does not hurt. Physical and/or emotional abuse are not a part of love. Arm wrestling is a big part of any relationship - but you shouldn't get punched more than once when you lose. And the rule is: 1 punch = 2 slaps. That rule is widely accepted in a court of law, as it was written on a rock that moses found - right after he took an engraving class at Egypt Community College.
2. Love is not manipulative, it should not be used to get others to do what you want. You should never give in to demands based on the, "You would do it if you loved me!" tactic. Sex is pretty much the only exception to this rule. As it is widely known that your partner will enjoy everything you want to do, they just don't know it yet. A good alternative to "You would do it if you loved me!" is "Just let it happen baby."
   
3. Love is an intense feeling of caring for another person. It can take many different forms (romantic, friendly, familial) but it is always about caring. As an aside, it is important to say that even a man can love. A man can love a car, money, and/or a Japanese woman.
   
4. Although it is true that a big part of love is putting another person's happiness ahead of your own this never includes compromising your values, being untrue to yourself, or having to put your boxes of comic books in your closet because someone is tired of looking at them.
   
5. If somebody asks you to do something that you don't want to do in order to "prove" your love they do not love you the way you might think they do. When you love another person you don't ask them to sacrifice a part of themselves in the name of that love - only Jesus can demand that of you. Apparently he pretty much has free reign to do whatever he wants. You turn one fucking jug of water into wine and all of a sudden you're Miley Cyrus. I don't want to point out the obvious, but even a common prisoner can turn water into wine (see: http://www.wikihow.com/Brew-Cheap-Wine).
   
6. It is very easy to confuse lust for love, as they sound very similar. "The true measure of romantic love is commitment and trust not physical attraction" - is what ugly people say.
7. It is possible to feel romantic love for more than one person at a given time. Just think, if it is possible for you to love both of your parents at the same time why would it be impossible to feel romantic love for two people at once? However, it does make you a slut. Don't beat yourself up emotionally if you find yourself in this unhappy situation. But be sure to remain single and be open and honest with all parties about your feelings and confusion. It is also a good idea to put a bunch of trashy pictures of yourself on Myspace and Facebook - and then post the link in the comments section of this lovely blog.
   
8. Sex is NOT love. Love is NOT sex. Sex can be a part of romantic love but it is never mandatory. In fact, sex is almost always better when you do not love the person you are having sex with. Sex, like movies and rock music, is almost always ruined by emotion.
9. Romantic love can (and often does) fade. When it goes there is not always a reason. When somebody falls out of love with you it does not reflect upon your value as a person or your desirability - unless of course it does. How many times does someone have to ask you to dress up like Rei from Evangelion (see: Rei from Evangelion) before you do it? Ask yourself that next time you're alone and listening to sad-ass Jeff Buckley.
   
10. Love should make you feel happy, secure and appreciated - but exactly like the one ring - will lead you to Mordor. And the next thing you know your chubby friend is going to start thinking she's better than you - and she'll probably eat all of your elven bread.

I hope that answers your question!

Phil.

Ask Phil - 003

Dear Phil,

I am 15. My best friend has a mother who is always on her case about everything she does. She is the middle of five daughters. Her mom is always after her about boys calling, housecleaning, and other chores. Everyday I go over and help her with her chores because she is not permitted to go out. My friend makes it worse by yelling at her mother, forging her signature, and lie to her. How can I help them?

Signed,
badwriter


badwriter,

You certainly are!
"My friend makes it worse by yelling at her mother, forging her signature, and LIE to her."

You. So. Stupid.

Maybe your friend's mother would be nicer to her if she didn't hang out with stupids like you all the time.

And anyway, who cares what she thinks? She got duped into having 5 kids! I mean, that's real smart. Just keep poppin' em out so people like me have to pay for them to go to school. And hey, maybe they could buy an SUV to fit all their rugrats. And then when i'm sitting in the quiet coffee house, you can bring them all in so they can run around and squawk while they wait for you to get a half-ass-no-whips-machiavelli or whatever. And then when little Skyler and Tyler walk over to me and say "whatcha doooing??" You won't even think that i don't want to talk to your kids or that they are bothering me and you'll let them bug the shit out of me, even though it is obvious that i am high and reading a wikipedia article about cthulhu.

And you'll just stand there in your spandex jogging pants, with your Louis Vuitton bag. Are you coming from, or going to the gym lady? That's the only time you should be wearing those.

Am i right?

I hope that answers your question!

Phil.

P.S.
You're doubly stupid because if you're friend is not permitted to go out, why are you helping her with her chores. She obviously has time to do them. Suckaaaa!!!

Ask Phil - 002

Dear Phil,

My mother and I are really close. I am 13. There is only one problem. She doesn’t know I go out with boys. She is always telling her friends that I am different and not interested in that sort of thing. I want to know if I should tell her. The one other time I lied to her she cried because I kept a secret from her.

I need help,

pantsonfire


pantsonfire,

You say you and your mother are really close. How close? Is she right there with you? Because if she is, I'm sure she read your letter as you were typing it. So I don't think you are going to have to tell her, because she knows now because she read it.

Which is convenient because my advice to you was going to be to have your mother sit next to you while you type a letter asking someone for advice about your problem. And then your mother would have read it while you were typing it and then you wouldn't need advice or to tell her at all.

I hope that answers your question!

Phil.

P.S.
Tell your mother to stop crying. Tell her crying is for babies, little crying cry-babies.

Ask Phil - 001

Dear Phil,

My former friends at school were in a tough, trouble-making group. We ran a bit wild. I have gotten away from my old friends, but sometimes I hear things and recently heard that the group is planning to vandalize a teacher’s house. Who knows? It might even become personal.

I am not a part of it. I did not plan it. I did not approve it, or anything else. Should I tell the teacher involved? We have never really gotten along. Maybe he won’t believe me or hold me responsible. I don't want to see anything bad happen. But if it does, I don't want to get ANY of the blame for it. What should I do?

Thanks,
GoodyGooShoes


GoodyGooShoes,

Before getting into your answer, I must tell you - write longer sentences. Because. Reading your letter. It sounds. Like this. And the whole. Time i was reading it. I was. Punching you.
In my mind.

But I'll answer you anyway.

This sounds to me like a classic case of the friend who "used to be fun." You probably used to be fun but now you are boring. Your friends are probably all "dude, lets go get stoned and listen to Sabbath." And you're probably all "i have better things to do with my life, thank you." And then you go home and watch 5 episodes of friends in a row - even though the first and fifth one were the same episode - just on different channels. And even though it's the one where Ross and Rachel are fighting, and then Phoebe has some sort of ridiculous idea, and then Monica totally freaks out over nothing, and then Joey is all "heeeeey."

Here are the two reasons you shouldn't snitch on your former friends who are still fun:

1) Snitches get shanked yo. Maybe you snitch about them vandalizing that house, maybe they vandalize your face. Huh? Is that what you want? A vandalized face?

2) Teachers are a drag, man.

I hope that answers your question!

Phil.

P.S.
Stop being a baby. Little baby watches teletubbies... awww... cutie little baby.