Living in the South 02: the Police

Ah, police officers.
I know, I know - they aren't all bad.

But...

Perhaps you saw this article about our new Sheriff here in Orange County? This level of stupidity says something about the new Sheriff, but also about the people - because that's the only level of communication they can handle. And of course about the news for repeating it - I don't understand, was there no new footage of that surfing squirrel?

I still vote in the county I grew up in, where the sheriff who won - his last name is Borders. He ran on this catchphrase - "Keep Our Borders."

Our county borders? Keep them from who? Those god damn Volusians? I mean, clever use of his name being Borders aside... he's essentially running on a reference to keeping foreign people ("furners" as they say in that county) out of America - for a county sheriff's position.

And you know what? He won by a fucking landslide. But in all fairness, after the election, I looked at the ballot and every candidate listed first won except for one, and that person had a very long German name, and was a woman.

And today, I come across this article. Long story short, a woman signs up for the KKK on the internet, agrees to come to an initiation ritual, she travels from Oklahoma to meet these clan members in Louisiana, they go to a campsite, the clan members kill her. Apparently there is some sort of conjecture about there possibly being "foul play" involved - which seems pointless to debate when one is talking about cult members killing a woman at a ritual in the woods. But that's just my progressive viewpoint.

Apparently the 7 clan members involved then tried to cover up what they did, including burning the woman's personal belongings. They are both men and women, ranging from ages 20-30. At the scene of the crime they found multiple clan robes - one emblazoned with a patch that said "KKK Security Enforcement" - belonging to someone who is obviously not very good at his job.

Capt George Bonnet provides us with this completely irrelevant piece of news :
"We haven't completely sorted out if they finished the initiation... I assume that they had started it, but I don't know if they were finished."

Thanks Cap!

And then when you think it can't be any worse, old Sheriff Jack Strain lets us know there is nothing to worry about, letting the public know there is no reason to be concerned:
"This is not what I would call an established Klan group," he said. "The Klan has a pretty high association with violence. Some of these guys are just crooks, sociopaths... I can't imagine anyone feeling endangered or at risk by any one of these kooks."

I mean, I could think of at least one person who might have felt endangered and at risk.
(Spoiler: the person they killed)

Just your average sociopathic, murdering, cult joining crooks folks - you can go back to watch Biggest Loser now.

living in the south 01 - a multipart expose

As a 26 year old male, of above average intelligence, who has lived in the southern united states his entire life - I know what it feels like to be surrounded by idiots. Like completely surrounded, so surrounded that even Indiana Jones would give up. And he didn't even give up when that unpainted blue man group made the entire world spin backwards - while that kid from the disney channel ran around going "no-nononnono! no! no!" (see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IXCK1EyP4s) - and Cate Blanchett acted like a russian or german or armenian bomber pilot or some shit - i honestly couldnt tell you what the fuck happened at the end of that movie.

Point is. Teh Suxor.

If you are not from the south and are wondering what the experience entails, here is a pretty succinct example:

Okay... close your eyes and imagine you're in school. The teacher asks a question to the class, and you know the answer. You raise your hand, the teacher calls on you, and confidently you answer. You got it right! Congratulations!

Oh wait, now 55 people are going to kick you in the balls.

And then the 20 people in the class who don't know the answer, they all get a bag of money.

And oh no, they were all bags of your money.


Keep in mind, this is a metaphor.
In real life your class would have 70 kids and no teacher.

The reason I bring this up is this morning, while depositing a secret sum of money into my member's only credit union - there was a contracting crew in the parking lot. I started to get out of my car to go into said financial institution, and was very careful not to let my door hit the door of a huge truck, driven by a man who was either blind, or had no arms. And despite his not fully grasping the idea of a parking space - one must commend a blind, no armed man for getting even close to within the lines of said parking spot.

One time Stevie Wonder tried to parallel park, and that's how Flavor Flav was born - according to science.

Imagine my surprise when I found that the driver of the truck was neither blind - nor horribly maimed (although both fates should befall him immediately). I became aware of these startling facts when he said the following:

"Bednawscratchmahtruck."

And i shit you not. He actually spit after he "said" that.

So I say the only thing one could say in this situation...
"Huh?"

"Bednawscratchmahtruck, nerd."

Now to his credit - I do wear rather large glasses. And i'm sure he'd just been up all night cramming for the LSAT - which would explain his bad attitude.

But here's the point:
Once or twice a week, living in the south, you find yourself looking around - wondering if you're on a hidden camera show. Like seriously, did that lady really just try to return a single roll of toilet paper? (which i saw the other morning in a drug store - she even had a coupon to dispute). And the worst part - society here is actually supportive of ignorance. I would say that it is actually harder to be intelligent and live comfortably here - than to, I don't know, be someone who enjoys watching cars drive in circles, or the musical stylings of Nickelback.

This series will continue until all the stupid people are taken away by the rapture - or i finally save enough money to move away.

I'll let you decide which one is more likely.